The Groups We’re In Shape How We See Ourselves

Lately I’ve been thinking about how much our self-worth depends on the people around us. Not in a dramatic way, just in a very practical and quiet way.

When I was in 11th and 12th standard in India, most of the people around me were preparing for the IIT JEE exams. Everyone was solving mock papers, talking about ranks, comparing scores. I was there with them, but I wasn’t performing at that level. At that time, I genuinely felt like I was falling behind in life. My self-worth was low. I thought something was wrong with me.

Nothing about me as a person was fundamentally broken. I was just in a group where success was defined by something I wasn’t good at.

Later, I moved into a different environment and did my Bachelor of Management Studies. Suddenly I was doing well. I had good grades, good presentations, confidence, and I ranked sixth in my class. The same person who felt like a failure in one group now felt successful in another. If I look back honestly, not much about my core abilities changed. What changed was the group around me and what that group considered important.

The same thing happened later in my career. When I worked in real estate in India, success meant one thing. When I moved to Berlin for my MBA, success meant something else — grades, internships, getting into a good company. When I joined Amazon, the definition changed again — performance, scope, promotions. And when I don’t move ahead as quickly as I expect, there is a small part of me that questions whether I’m doing enough.

Each time, my definition of achievement quietly adjusted to the people around me.

If you look at history, this has probably always been true. A farmer did not constantly compare himself to a king. He compared himself to other farmers. Someone growing up in a slum in Mumbai compares themselves to people in their immediate surroundings. Within every group, there will still be people who feel ahead and people who feel behind.

What makes today different is social media. Now the group is not 20 people. It is hundreds or thousands. And we are not seeing their full lives, only the best moments. Vacations, promotions, milestones. It quietly changes how we see ourselves. I think this is one reason why so many people feel overwhelmed or not enough. The comparison never really stops.

Another interesting part of this is that in every group, we want two things at the same time. We want to belong, and we want to stand out. We want to share the same milestones as others so that we feel included. At the same time, we want something that makes us different. If everyone in your circle has children and you don’t, you may feel left out, even if you are doing well in other areas. And once you do have a child, you may start thinking about how to differentiate again, maybe through career or something else. It never really ends.

This made me think about a deeper question: who am I outside of all these groups?

If I remove the shifting definitions of success, what would matter to me when I am 80 or 90? For me, the answer is simple. I would want to feel that I lived with joy, appreciated small things, and had my loved ones around me. I would want to know that I learned a lot, loved a lot, helped others where I could, and experienced the world fully. If I can look back and say I did those things sincerely, then I think I would feel at peace.

The groups will keep changing. The definitions of success will keep changing. Maybe the important part is just to stay aware of that, so that when we feel behind, we pause and ask ourselves: is this truly my measure, or is it just the measure of the group I’m in right now?